Wednesday, February 24, 2016

The Kinkiest $16 I Ever Made

With the possible exception of the people who marry their high school sweethearts, most of us have at least a few bizarre stories that come out of our failed relationships.

In Remus' case, there was a woman he dated briefly who—for reasons unknown—decided to make a solo trip to the adult toy store where she purchased a vibrator. Specifically, a neon pink rabbit vibrator, which, if Sex and the City is to be believed, is a top of the line option. (And really, when was that show ever not 100% based in reality?)

When their short-lived relationship ended soon after, she left the vibrator behind at his place—unused and still in its factory-sealed packaging—and he tossed it in his filing cabinet and forgot about it. (So...would that be filed under "V" for "vibrator," "R" for "rabbit," or "D" for...well, I guess it doesn't really matter.)

When Remus told me this story, we had the following exchange (paraphrased):

Wolfie: So do you still have it?

Remus: Yeah. Do you want it?

Wolfie: No, I do not want the vibrator that your crazy-pants ex left here.

(Side note: I realized after the fact that the proper response was probably something along the lines of, "Why would I need that when I've got you, stud," but I'm often bad at picking up cues.)

Remus: Well, I certainly don't want it, so what am I supposed to do with it? Apparently it's a good one, so it seems a shame to throw it out.

Wolfie: Do you know anyone going to a tacky bachelorette party who will need to bring a sexy gift?

Remus: No.

Wolfie: You could sell it on eBay since it's brand-new.

Remus: I am not selling a vibrator on eBay. I don't need that in my transaction history. Plus do you know what sort of targeted ads I'll get on every website I go to?

Wolfie: Well, I'll sell it, I don't care. But I get to keep the profits.

Remus: Deal.

Less than a week later, the rabbit was on its way in discreet packaging to some unknown buyer, and I was $16 richer. Now, hopefully one of his other exes left behind a sex swing still in the box, complete with installation hardware, so I can make some serious cash.

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