With the possible exception of the people who marry their
high school sweethearts, most of us have at least a few bizarre stories that
come out of our failed relationships.
In Remus' case, there was a woman he dated briefly who—for
reasons unknown—decided to make a solo trip to the adult toy store where she
purchased a vibrator. Specifically, a neon pink rabbit vibrator, which, if Sex and the City is to be believed, is a
top of the line option. (And really, when was that show ever not 100% based in
reality?)
When their short-lived relationship ended soon after, she
left the vibrator behind at his place—unused and still in its factory-sealed
packaging—and he tossed it in his filing cabinet and forgot about it.
(So...would that be filed under "V" for "vibrator,"
"R" for "rabbit," or "D" for...well, I guess it
doesn't really matter.)
When Remus told me this story, we had the following exchange
(paraphrased):
Wolfie: So do you
still have it?
Remus: Yeah. Do
you want it?
Wolfie: No, I do
not want the vibrator that your crazy-pants ex left here.
(Side note: I realized after the fact that the proper
response was probably something along the lines of, "Why would I need that
when I've got you, stud," but I'm often bad at picking up cues.)
Remus: Well, I
certainly don't want it, so what am I supposed to do with it? Apparently it's a
good one, so it seems a shame to throw it out.
Wolfie: Do you
know anyone going to a tacky bachelorette party who will need to bring a sexy
gift?
Remus: No.
Wolfie: You could
sell it on eBay since it's brand-new.
Remus: I am not
selling a vibrator on eBay. I don't need that in my transaction history. Plus
do you know what sort of targeted ads I'll get on every website I go to?
Wolfie: Well,
I'll sell it, I don't care. But I get to keep the profits.
Remus: Deal.
Less than a week later, the rabbit was on its way in
discreet packaging to some unknown buyer, and I was $16 richer. Now, hopefully
one of his other exes left behind a sex swing still in the box, complete with
installation hardware, so I can make some serious cash.
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