Wednesday, May 11, 2016

My Subconscious Hates Me

I don’t always dream, but when I do, I dream that Remus is an utter asshole.

It’s not surprising that Remus would make frequent appearances in my dreams, but for reasons I’ll never understand (but that some psychology undergrad would have a field day with), when he is featured he more often than not is treating me like garbage and/or leaving me. Why these visions would manifest now with him, when in the past I have actually dated guys who actually did treat me like garbage and/or left me and never got dream cameos, I don’t know. I say it’s my subconscious waiting for the other shoe to drop, worried that things are going just a little too well for me. Remus thinks my subconscious can “go fuck itself” (direct quote).

Some of the dream behaviors I can recall:

  • I was in college and juggling two relationships: one with Remus, one with some unidentifiable woman. Remus insisted that I choose between them, but I was indecisive, so I texted the woman saying I had to choose but didn’t know what to do. She replied that she wasn’t that into me, so I should choose Remus. When I excitedly told him the news, he got upset that he won by default and not by choice, and dumped me.
  • Remus casually left me me out of the blue with a simple, “I just don’t think we should see each other anymore,” moved out of our shared apartment, and immediately started serial dating a string of random women. I was devastated, but any time I tried to reach out to anyone to tell them how I was feeling, I was told that people break up all the time and that I should just “get over it.”
  • Remus and I got married on a boat, and when we docked after the reception, he was nowhere to be found. I wasn’t answering my calls or texts, so I just went home alone. He returned the next morning as if nothing had happened, and when I angrily questioned where he went, he got really defensive, saying, “I went out with some of my friends after the wedding, so what?” I did not take this well and started yelling about how it was not OK to ditch me on our wedding night, to which he replied, “Just because we’re married now doesn’t mean I have to always let you know what I’m doing; I’m still going to have my own life.”
  • Remus and I were getting married in a seaside town in Italy (because in my dreams we’re millionaires!). To kill time before I had to start getting ready I decided to take a walk on this strip of land that ran along the water. When it came time to head back and start getting ready I realized that this strip of land never connected to the mainland; it just kept going and going, surrounded by water on both sides. I start running, but I’m getting nowhere, and I wonder if I should just dive in and swim, but I can’t even see the shore so I don’t know which direction to head toward. I woke up before ever figuring out what to do.
  • Not long after Remus and I moved in together, I discovered that he was still casually hooking up with several other women. When I questioned him about it, he informed me that, “we’re not fucking married; I can do whatever I want.”

There have been several others, but I think you get the gist that they’re all terrible and conclude with me miserable and alone. Though there may be a light at the end of the subconscious torture tunnel, as I recently had a dream where Remus simply put on one of my shirts and I yelled at him to take it off before he stretched it out.

“Did I then promptly dump you?” he wearily asked when I shared this with him.

“Nope! This was just a run-of-the-mill cross-dressing dream!”

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